YW came over with baby M and her mom yesterday. It was good to see her! The last time I saw her and baby M was at the recovery ward in the hospital.

The truth is, I wasn’t sure if I wanted the visit. The past few days have been really hard. I was fearing that I might be developing post natal depression. I know that motherhood would be hard, I just didn’t realise how hard it was going to be.

I read books, I listened to other mothers… and it was kind of depressing to think that everyone seem to take on motherhood like ducks to water… and I’m feeling more like a cat being thrown into a raging river!

So, chatting with YW yesterday brought relief to my soul. I don’t mean to sound mean… but it was kind of nice to know that I’m not alone at feeling hopeless and helpless.

We were talking about feeding our babies and figured that we were brainwashed by all the books and midwives at the antenatal classes and everything to think that the only way that we’ll be good mothers is to breastfeed our babies. It doesn’t matter that we’re suffering. It doesn’t matter that our nipples are sore all the time because we’re not sure if the baby is latching on correctly. It doesn’t matter that we don’t even know if the baby is feeding or just comfort sucking. What is important is we’re doing what is best for our babies by putting them to our boobs.

But were we actually doing the best?

Baby M is still not reaching her birth weight after 2 weeks. Nora seem to cry all the time and demanding a feed even after she’s been on my boob for 30 minutes two seconds ago. Nora did meet her birth weight a week and a half ago but when I went to see the Health Visitor on Tuesday and weigh her again, she’s only put on 100g! Both YW and I felt so helpless and mean as maybe we’re starving our babies by doing what is told to us to be the best.

A few days ago, I decided to to combination feed. And to get rid of my sore boobs, I’m expressing milk. And you know what, Nora seems to be more content… and I feel better because I could now see how much milk she’s actually having.

She still wakes up in the middle of the night. Even though it takes a bit longer for me to get the feed ready and Nora is screaming her head off, I don’t feel as helpless or hopeless as I did before… still a bit but not as much.

And even better, Jules could also have some feeding bonding time with Nora and he could now stop complaining that he doesn’t have any boobs to feed her with.

YW also kept telling me that I shouldn’t kick myself because the laundry or the dishes aren’t done. I just had an emergency C-section and should be resting for at least six weeks rather than be a hero. I know she’s right… but I keep thinking how can I be a good mom and wife when our home looks like a tornado just went through it… twice!

I am really glad that my mom is coming over next week. She is the support that I need. And being my mom… she’ll sort me and Nora out!